Tag: travel

The Happiest Place On Earth

by on Sep.14, 2010, under Current

Otherwise known as Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. A place every kid dreams of. The Ultimate Family Vacation.

Yeah, Right! Try it as a party of 15. Our whole family: our parents, our siblings, and all our kids pulled this trip off 3 years ago. I still have nightmares…..

The fun started at the airport. Eight adults and seven kids under the age of 10. Carrying 12 tons of luggage, including car seats. Of course, we had to be there 8 hours early, that way we could sit in the terminal for 6 hours before boarding. Trying to keep beings with the attention span of a sponge from tearing the airport down around our ears. Actually, that part wasn’t bad for me. The elation of making it through the “sniffer” with 20 joints in my underwear was still pretty “high”. After I brushed my teeth, that is, from vomiting in my own mouth while I was IN the fucking thing! I could have run, but, no. Silently cursing my brother-in-law in 5 different languages for picking THAT PARTICULAR LINE, I sucked it up, and emerged triumphant!

Of course, no day can be “wasted” on a trip like this, so it was off to the Magic Kingdom the very next morning. Bob, help us! Have I mentioned that both me and my father are bi-polar, and one of my sisters is claustrophobic?

Everything started out OK, but as the morning progressed, so did the fucking Crowds! The place was PACKED because it had rained the day before, and everybody got “rain checks”. I’m talking WALL-TO-WALL PEOPLE! Add to this the impossible task of trying to keep track of 7 little shits, while trying to explain to 4yos why we have to stand in line to ride Dumbo. We barely make it through three rides, when the first “Parade” occurs. Now, we are all stuck on the side of Main Street USA, held captive by Mickey Fucking Mouse! After the mouse-induced torture finally passes us by, we try to get moving again. Doesn’t happen. We are packed, arm to sweaty fucking arm, with folks all trying to go the same way. That’s when the first crisis occurs.

I am pushing a stroller, trying to keep up with my ‘Party of 15′, when I realize the sweaty arm smashed against mine does NOT belong to my husband. If I had realized that screaming “I gotta get the Hell outta this fucking crowd” would open up a space around me, I would have done it sooner! My father heard me, and knew trouble was brewing! He quickly handed the stroller off to another family member (don’t remember which one), and walked with me off to an alley, where he gave me one of his Ativans, and told me to have a smoke. He stood guard over me (to protect others) until I had calmed down, then we went in search of the other 13 of us. For the rest of the trip, I insisted, VEHEMENTLY, that we avoid further “Parades”! The rest of the afternoon wasn’t too bad. However, we still had 7 kids who hate waiting in lines, so there were assorted tears and meltdowns. I also discovered that I do NOT like folks in Furry Costumes, and I found it out in the worst fucking place in the universe!

After dinner, we got trapped by yet another fucking “Parade”. We are all stuffed like sardines along the route, and nobody is getting anywhere fast. I am standing in a line along a pathway with a stroller (if another stroller had come from the other direction, we’d have both been fucked). This tiny blond bitch tries pushing her way past everybody. Spouting off about how she’s going to miss her dinner reservations. There is a stone wall, then a 20 foot drop next to me. My husband says to her, “I think yer gonna miss dinner”. I tell her, unless she walks on the wall, she can forget it. This bitch apparently didn’t get a good look at me, because she comes back with, “Why don’t I just push YOU over the wall”. I respond by informing her that if I go over the Fucking Wall, I’m dragging her with me, and beating the living shit out of her after we hit bottom.

Happiest place On Earth? My ASS!

Then, the grand finale…..the Fireworks. Again, we are held captive by that Fucking Mouse! We couldn’t leave if we wanted to! Which we did! There were so many people, we couldn’t even sit down. By now, it’s 10pm. We have 7 cranky kids and 8 pissed off adults. Some guy barrels through the crowd, almost stepping on my daughter in her stroller! I tried to get him, but I was trapped in the crowd! By this time, those of us with Crowd Issues have HAD IT! After the infernal fireworks show, we try to leave, again. I flat out refuse to wade through the crowd, then proceed to stake out a few feet of personal space until the Hoard thins. My sister (we had gotten separated into two groups because of the fucking crowd) and her group attempt to flee down Main Street. By the time she gets to the front gate, Claustrophobia Girl goes OFF on a security guard for allowing too many people into the park, etc., etc. My group stayed with me, and I refused to budge until I saw big gaps in the crowd.

We finally to the parking lot (after almost kicking the shit out of a group of rude fucking teenagers on the monorail), and we are walking to the car, when my son wants to tell me what he wished for at ‘It’s a Psycho World’.
He wished we were HOME! I told him, “just don’t tell Papa”.

After three days of Disney Hell, we finally headed to Coco Beach. That was a good time, except for making my mother cry in the liquor store parking lot, because she suggested getting up early for an excursion to Cape Canaveral. At the same time, my father bought me a half gallon of Jack and asked me if that would “make it better”, at which point I burst into fucking tears and start laughing hysterically!

We all made it out alive, but it was a very close thing! I have since renamed the Magic Kingdom. I refer to it now as the “Seventh Level of Hell”. And I will NEVER SET FOOT IN THE FUCKING PLACE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

I have since used this trip as an example to my children. there is a BIG difference between commercials and reality. In the real world, you don’t get to have tea with the fucking princess!

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